Carl: an autobiography
by Dramaticswimmergirl
Summary: Carl decides to write an autobiography about himself, but keeps getting interrupted by major monogram. Trust me it sounds lame but I tested it on my friends and they all found it hilarious, so hopefully you will too.:)
1. Chapter 1: An intern job

**AUTHORS NOTE: This story is written like it was told on a tape recorder, and later written by a publishing company. It was supposedly Carl who wrote this though. Any dialect is most likely voices in the background. Anyways, read on. :) I had fun writing this:) This will be my most frequently updated fanfic. No P+F characters or places belong to me, but Carl's neighbor does. And the groundbreaker, which is the lamest villain ever:).**

This is the story of how I became an intern, and the story of some of the O.W.C.A's (Organization without a cool acronym.) greatest moments, that I got to witness. The name's Carl. Carl Karl, paid intern. Best. Title. EVER! Sorry, off topic. I don't actually get paid by the way. It's just a title. AN AWESOME TITLE! Sorry where was I? Oh of course. The day I got promoted to the term unpaid intern. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was four years ago. That day-

"Carl what are you doing?"

" Major Monogram, Sir, please stop it. I am TRYING to publish a novel here."

"Oh sorry Carl. Go ahead. Just don't forget to get me my sandwich."

"Right away Sir." Excuse me for a moment. Alright. I'm back. Okay well it was back 4 years ago. I had just finished typing an essay on the history of squirrels, when I got a phone call.

"Carl! You forgot the mustard!"

"Excuse me but I was in the middle of a very emotional moment sir."

"Carl..."

"Oh course sir. Here's the mustard sir. Enjoy." Okay well this is obviously not going to work out like this, so maybe if I try a different writing style.

The brave, dashing, auburn haired college student picked up the phone. The caller ID listed the old man's name. Major Francis Monogram. Filled with hope, our hero reached down to see what-

"CARL!"

"Yes sir?"

"Did you just call me old?"

"No sir. Not at all sir."

"Are you sure? I'm pretty sure you did."

"Not at all sir. Why would I do that?"

"Hmmm. Carry on."

Now as I was saying-

"CARL!"

"Yes Sir?"

"Come quick!"

"What happened? Is something wrong sir?"

"No. Ducky Momo is on though. I thought you might want to errr watch it.

"I love that show! I'll grab the popcorn!"

Alright, I'm back. Sorry about the delay folks, but I had urgent matters to attend to. Well anyways I picked up the phone and answered it.

"Hello is Carl speaking?" the voice on the other end asked.

"This is he."

"Carl, you've just been promoted to the term, Unpaid Intern."

"WHOO HOO!" My shrieks must have been heard all over Danville. I got the job! I had actually got it! It was one of my proudest moments. That and the time I got that super rare collectible action figure, but I'll get into that some other time.

"Carl!"

"Yes sir?"

"I can't help but hear you recording that book of yours."

"So?"

"Well I hate to crush your spirits, but it's kinda...lame."

"LAME? WHAT?!"

"Yeah. Lame. Can you add some action in it."

"Maybe I could if you would STOP INTERRUPTING ME!"

"Carl..."

"Sorry Sir..."

"Okay good. Now remember. Action."

"You can count on me sir!"

"Didn't you say that the one time you went incognito?"

"Maybe..."

"Okay whatever. Carry on. Again."

Now I lost track. Thanks Monogrampa.

"I heard that Carl!"

"My apologies sir."

Okay where was I? Oh yes. My first day on the job. Bang! Crash! Doofenshmirtz burst through the doors of the O.W.C.A.

"HAHAHA! Now I will use my Interngoawayinator, and I will get the job of intern, therefore granting me, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, access to the O.W.C.A, allowing me to dispose of Monogram and take over the tristate area! HAHAHA!" He bellowed. Suddenly, our very own Agent P, accompanied by a very handsome intern approached him. The platypus ran over and kicked Doof in the shin, engaging in hand to hand combat, while everyone's favorite intern-

"Carl don't get cocky."

"Yes sir."

While the just plain intern dismantled the machine. Monogram was so proud he gave the intern free tacos for life.

"Carl..."

"Yes again sir?"

"I have a few questions about that...interesting story..."

"Fire away sir."

"Did that ever happen?"

"No Sir, not at all sir."

"I thought this was a nonfiction book Carl."

"It is sir."

"Then why did you make up that whole story?"

"Because you said it needed action. Why else Sir?

"Carl, one more question."

"What is it Sir?"

"Why would you want free tacos for life? Pizza is much tastier. "

"I strongly disagree Sir."

"Think what you want Carl. Pizza will always be the best."

"Alright. Whatever."

"Are you sassing me Carl?"

"Nooooo Sir."

"Okay. Just checking."

Sorry about that. So long story short, I got a phone call, got the job, and went to work. Actually that IS a pretty lame story. I can do better. Okay, here we go, the never before told super cool story of me, Carl, and how I saved the world. This may or may not have happened, but it's semi based on a true story. I'll just leave it at that.

"CARL!"

"What is it sir?"

"Are you lying to these people AGAIN?"

"I'm not lying sir, simply stretching the truth."

"Okay. Fine by me. You may continue."

It was a hot summer day, sometime in July. Almost all of the agents had chosen to go on vacation that week, so the Major chose to give me the week off. It also could have been the fact that he was doing some top secret project that week that he did not want me involved in because it involved hula dancers and I don't do well around them, or it could've been the fact that there was nobody to brief, so I didn't need to come to work and film him. Nobody knows.

"Carl who told you about the hula dancers?"

"Nobody sir, it was just a lucky guess. Wait there were hula dancers?"

"I never said that."

"Alright sir..."

So anyways I was just chilling on my couch, you know relaxing and-

"Carl, I'm sorry I kept the hula incident from you."

"Wait it actually happened?"

"Yes. Yes it did."

"Well thank you for including me."

"I'm sorry Carl, but you remember the time when you turned off the light and eer did the whole Dr. Coconu-

"I remember perfectly well sir."  
"Okay Carl. Now can you please be quiet. my wife asked me to try out this new meditation thing. I don't really get it."  
"Of course sir."

That day I was relaxing on my couch watching that one cooking show, what's it called? Oh yeah "The Boot Challenge" Where contestants have to create a dish based off a boot. I't's fabulous. Well there was a blackout, you know, and I figured it was the work of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N, so using my boss intern skills, I hacked into their central evil system, and sure enough, I was right. I knew I had to stop it, but everyone was busy, so it was up to me. I mean I'm Carl Karl, THE intern to be. I adjusted my purple aluminum glasses,and a confident grin escaped my lips. I could do it.

"SQUEE! I'm going on my own mission! To save the world!" I yelled walking out the door. My cranky neighbor, the old Ms. Beatrice gave me a glare, so knowing it was a good luck glare, I gave her a thumbs up. For good luck to her too. Yes. I actually said squee. Don't mock me.

"Seriously Carl? Squee? Heh heh I haven't heard anything that ridiculous in...oh actually only 20 minutes. Never mind. I thought it would be longer."

"Sir please stop."

"Sorry Carl, it's just that's heh heh so darn ridiculous."

"SIR!"

"Okay Carl, I'll heh stop it."

"Thank you sir. Now if you'd please excuse me for a moment, I'd like to get back to-"

"Squee! Ha ha Carl, that is among the weirdest things you've said, and that's saying a lot because-"

"Okay Mr. Ducky Momo fan club president."

"Excuse me Carl."

"Nothing Sir."  
"Who told you that?"

"Nobody sir."

"I am not the president of any fan club Carl. I just greatly enjoy the culture Ducky Momo has to offer."

"Since when has ducky Momo had culture?"

"Carl, don't push me."

"Sorry Sir. May I please get back to my story?"

"Of course Carl. Heh heh squee."

"grrrrrrr..."

"Carl did you just...growl at me?"

"Sorry sir."

I had packed nothing but myself. Wow that's a cool line. Um anyhoo, I got on my bike, and please don't mock me for riding a bike either! It's environmentally friendly. And I was approaching an intersection, when the ground began to crumble beneath me. It was starting to cave in!

"Carl! You may want to start a new chapter."

"Oh good idea sir! I'll do that right away!"


	2. Chapter 2: A great disguise

** AN: Thank you guys so much for reviewing! It makes my day! This is dedicated to all my lovely reviewers! I do not own P+F characters or places but I do own Ms. Beatrice, the diner owner, and the Groundbreaker, who will be introduced.**

Chapter 2 already! I feel so special Ahem so our hero, that's me, was riding his bike to save the world when we last left off.

"Wh-what's going on?" he wondered aloud.

"Tis I, the most evil of all villains, the Groundbreaker!" A voice from nowhere bellowed. "And I know who you are Carl Karl, the intern, and I will hunt you down, and I will not stop until I have caught you, and the world has no hope! MUAHAHAHAHA!" It finished.

"Uh Carl?"

"Yes sir?"

"Tis?"

"What's wrong with tis sir?"

"Carl nobody says tis."

"Well the Groundbreaker does sir."

"Oh yeah and what kind of a villain names himself the Groundbreaker?"

"I think it's dramatic. It adds more suspense, sir."

"No Carl. It really doesn't."

"Oh."

"Ahem. Now I was just informed there is a paper jam in the copy machine so-"

"I'm on it Sir!"

"Carl! What's taking you so long?!"

"It's pretty stuck in there sir!"

"Okay let me see. Ooh it IS bad. Okay I got it."

"Good work Francis!"

"Did you just call me Francis?"

"No Sir."

"Alright then..."

Okay, I'm sorry I got pulled away AGAIN. It seems that 75% of this story is Major Monogram interrupting me but oh well. So I knew I had to disguise myself, so he couldn't find me, and stop me, and possibly threaten me with spiders...I HATE spiders! So I went to the costume depot, and tried on all these costumes. It seems I do that a lot. Anyways, after much pondering over which was the best, I finally decided on a ballerina tutu. All pink and ruffly. The Groundbreaker man would never suspect a thing! It was pure genius! I didn't even put on a wig or any makeup because it was such a good disguise. Now looking back, I think it's kind of silly, because people were probably wondering what a college boy was doing in a tutu. Actually wait. I take that back. They probably see that a lot. So I headed out, unrecognizable in my tutu, when I saw across the street, eating in this one diner, was Norm the robot. Yes Norm. I stealthily approached him. Maybe I could get some answers about all the villains, and who the heck this new Groundbreaker guy was. I entered the diner, and approached him carefully, for I couldn't let him discover my true identity.

"Norm it's me, Carl. Tell me all you know!" I cornered him.

"I do not know a Carl. I run on squirrel power. Would you like some coffee. I make it piping hot." he responded.

"Hmm feisty one are you?" I questioned him "Mr. Norm, I work for the O.W.C.A, and you're going to have to answer my questions."

"Do you like crunchy eggs?" He smiled creepily at me.

"What?"

"Crunchy eggs." He responded again.

"Um I'm not sure what that is. Perhaps some ancient robot code for evilness? Well then no, I DO NOT like my eggs crunchy."

"My father doesn't like his eggs crunchy either. He is cold, like this food." he gestured to some pancakes on a plate in front of him.

"Cold freezing or cold like he's a dark man?" I asked with expertise.

"Cold and unforgiving. Like this food."

"Oohkay..."

"I'll pay the bill for this food!" he called cheerily.

"Alright." I eyed him suspiciously. "No more funny business! Who is the Groundbreaker and what is his issue?!"

"Shall I make some chowder for you?"

"Chowder? What does that have to do with anything?!"

"What does squee have to do with anything?"

"Really Norm? You too? I'm disappointed." he suddenly stood up.

"We should do this again sometime." and without a word, he walked through the wall, leaving the shape of his body in the brick. The owner of the diner approached me.

"Hey bub, you're gonna pay for that right?"

"Of course." I responded pulling out my wallet.

"Carl why is Doofenshmirtz's robot man in you story?"

"Well I thought it was only fair to include him sir, I mean he does make an excellent lobster bisque."

" You've had lobster bisque made by the robot of one of our main enemies?"

"Yes sir, and it was deelish."

"Carl sometimes I wonder about you."

"Why is that sir?"

"Never mind that Carl. How exactly did you have that bisque?"

"Well it was about a month ago, when I went on that stakeout. I was really hungry so I went upstairs and asked Doofenshmirtz if he had anything to eat, so he had Norm make me the bisque. Trust me, that robot can COOK!"

"Carl isn't the point of a stakeout to err stay hidden?"

"I believe it is sir."

"Then why did you go and ask the guy you were spying on for soup?!"

"It was bisque first off, second off, I asked him for food. He just offered me that type."

"Sheesh Carl really?"

"What do you mean by that sir? I'm confused! AHHHH!"

"What the heck was that? Well um err until Carl gets back from his little meltdown, I guess I can take over his story."

Ahem this is Monogram, and it's time for a short commercial break heh heh. Okay ahem so are you tired of your coworkers dressing as hula dancers and doing an interpretive dance? Are you sick of them messing up the camera focus and calling you OLD? Well you're not alone! There are millions like you eer well at least I think so, who are dying for your company. Join .com a site for anybody who is annoyed by their coworkers, to complain about them, let out their feelings, and meet dozens of frustrated bosses, who are annoyed by their coworkers just like them. join now and the first 9 weeks are free! So please, log on tod-

"Sir are you putting a commercial in my autobiography?"

"Why would you think that Carl?"

"Because I can hear you recording it sir."

"Carl, just err get me some coffee or something."

"Of course Sir. Right away."

Okay that gives me a little time to finish. So please log on, and meet dozens like you today! You won't regret it!

"Sir your coffee."

"Thank you Carl."

"Ok I think I'm ready to continue."

"Then go ahead Carl. Nobody is stopping you."

"Well I'm just afraid you're going to interrupt me to say squee or something."

"Ho ho Squee! I forgot all about that! Oh Carl. Only you would say heh heh squee."

"This is what I was afraid of."

"Hi I'm Carl and I like to squee! Heh what IS a squee Carl?"

"It's just a noise you make when you're excited! Jeez Sir."

"Carl again with the sassing!"

"Sorry about that sir."

"Ok good. now finish your book."

Alright folks, I'm back! I don't quite remember where we left off so-

"It was the part where you were paying the bill Carl."

"Wow you're paying attention to my book! I'm honored sir!"

"Well it's only because-"

"Can you wear the shirt too please? For me Sir?"

"As I was saying it's only because that's all I've heard you talking about all day."

"The shirt sir. Will you please wear it?"

"The one with the heart Carl?"

"YES!"

"Carl I already wore that this summer. I can't wear the same thing everyday."

"You already do sir."

"Oh yeah. Well go back to your book Carl."

"Right away sir."

So after I payed the bill, I headed to the laundry mat, to pick up the laundry for the Major, when it happened again. The ground began to crumble.

"Ground breaker, where are you?" I called out.

"Oh you'll never find me Carl. I stay hidden from folks like you! But I'll always find YOU! I'd recognize you anywhere, tutu or not! MUAHAHAHAHA!" It cackled in a sinister voice.

"EEP!" Was all I said.

"Eep Carl? That's almost as good as squee! Heh you have one weird vocabulary."

"Sir can you please stop interrupting me every two minutes?"

"I'm sorry Carl but seriously. You said eep. EEP. Who says eep? Or squee. SQUEE Carl. SQUEE."

"Well I say it."

"Besides you Carl."

"Oh them um well err...nobody."

"Okay so you're dismissed. Go finish the book."

" I'm already on it sir."

I ran home. wasn't in her yard like usual, os I didn't get to give her the special wink I had been planning. Oh well. I walked into my house and there was a note on the coffee table in weird handwriting. I'm always watching it said. Aww I thought to myself, how sweet. That's when I realized it was signed from the Groundbreaker. And shortly after I realized that he knew where I lived. This creepy guy knew where I lived. I needed a new disguise, that was for sure. I settled this time for a clown suit. This was going to work. It had to! But then it hit me. No matter how many disguises I put on, this guy would know where I lived, he seemed to know quite a bit about me, and then I realized that whoever the groundbreaker is was probably someone I already know and/or am close to. Eep!

"Wow Carl. That IS suspenseful."

"Thank you sir."

"So who is it exactly?"

"I can't tell you sir. That would ruin the whole story."

"Carl tell me."

"No sir."

"Carl. Tell. Me. Now."

"Sir stop it. It's creepy."

"CARL TELL ME WHO IT IS!"

"AHHHHHHHH! You can't have my brain!"

"Okay well that was really weird. Um should I do another commercial?"

"No sir!"

"Oh he's back. Well I should let him finish so he can tell me who the Groundbreaker really is."

"Alright sir. I'll get back to the story momentarily."


End file.
